Keeping track

I seem to be in a "Paying the piper" phase right now.

I do not like it.

I like "Do whatever you want, it feels good, you're not hurting anybody, no problem, wheeeeeee!!!" phases. These are fun. They do feel good. And they're cooler, somehow. Or so my mind has it.

Being responsible is naff. It's boring, restrictive and point-missing. So says the childlike rebel inside of me. I sometimes feel I could have a little pouty cry over something I "have to" do - like get out of bed, or hang out the laundry, or go for a run. I can literally lose four hours by refusing to get up and do a "have to". So instead of 30 minutes of running (and the attendant benefits) followed by 3.5 hours of whatever I feel like, I get 4 hours of limbo (and the attendant costs) followed by several hours of guilt, not to mention opportunity loss.

(Is this just me?)

But - here beginneth a new day. On the basis that the first step to beating a problem is admitting you have one, I hereby come clean about the above. Like everyone, I'm a composite of many things, mostly things I like a lot and many things I love, appreciate, accept or tolerate. I'm now aiming to bring to light this aspect of myself that I've judged, rejected and hidden in an attempt to deny it into non-existence. That hasn't worked too well, so, behold: I'm trying something new.

Hello pouty child! I see you! Yep, yep, no need to hide - I'm onto you and I've shared you on the web.

It's fine for you to be. I'm going to look out for you, OK? I'm going to give you space and let you be, be kind to you and even try to get you to cheer up and laugh at yourself sometimes - even if you're half-hating me through the giggles. I get you'd rather play and have year-round summers on the beach, with pre-teen energy and fitness levels you've done nothing to earn, and the carefree open-heartedness that only ignorance can bring.

I'm almost certain those light-hearted moments will come again. Likely not year-round, but probably a lot more often if you're in charge less of the time. It's not so easy to be carefree when we're less and less fit, hassling to pay off debt we gathered in a "carefree" phase, or just generally lying about begrudging (instead of ticking off) our responsibilities.

I totally get that it can be scary, but luckily you're not the only one here. There's responsible me, strong me, creative me, grown-up me, even brave me - let them run the show sometimes and let's see how we go, OK?

Now pouty child, close your eyes, put your fingers in your ears and go "LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAA!!!" while I make a public 12-week commitment.

For the next 12 weeks I will follow the CouchTo5K app wherever it leads. I will keep on with my "more greens, fewer grains, less sugar, caffeine and alcohol" goals. I will pay off at least $2,100 on my credit card and I will incur no further debt. I will report back daily via this blog.

And I will respect the pouty child as much as any other part of me (she's just as worthy) and see whether the joyful child is more inclined to show up, more often, as a result.